Discovery: The Working File
A firm has stood us up. The site is stankyshoreslawsuit.com, the firm is Frivolous, Jape and Guffaw LLP, and their tagline is "Come for the waves. Stay for the depositions." The desk keeps the plaintiff docket open on the near cabinet and updates this page as the docket does.
FILE 001 · THE ENROLLMENT
Their landing page reads, in its own words, "America's number one water adjacent class action, now enrolling." The desk has read the page three times and each time has come away with a slightly larger number of counts to keep track of.
Current tallies on their docket: five incident reports, eighty two battery counts, thirty eight and a half million dollars in damages sought.
FILE 002 · SLIDE ZONE, AIRBORNE HAZARD, WRISTBAND ENFORCEMENT
The plaintiffs consolidate three grievances into one filing: near drownings in the certified slide zone, an alleged airborne biohazard battery on the sand, and a wristband enforcement procedure involving a sledgehammer that management has previously described as "the fastest way."
The desk has stamped this filing WELL DRAFTED and slid it to the back of the drawer where it hopes not to see it again.
FILE 003 · POOL DRAINAGE, HEAD FIRST
The plaintiffs assert that a pool was drained without notice and that a guest continued a routine dive into what the filing calls "the empty basin." The park's position is that the pool was not empty, it was between waters, and that any diver aware of the schedule would have known better and dived shallower.
The counterintelligence desk has asked whether "empty" is a factual claim or a mood.
FILE 004 · ADMISSION BY CLAW HAMMER
A patron alleges he was struck with a claw hammer at the front gate during the admission process. The park does not deny that a claw hammer is kept at the front gate. The park does deny that any part of it is admission process. The desk considers the difference load bearing.
FILE 005 · THE OTHER FILINGS
Additional counts are on their docket the desk has not yet catalogued line by line. The plaintiffs update. The desk updates. Everyone is working weekends now.
Readers with a specific curiosity are directed to the source. This file will grow as the desk finishes reading it.
FILE 006 · THE PARK'S RESPONSE
The park's response, delivered in full from the lemonade stand and unreviewed by counsel, was: "Frivolous who? Sue me for what? We got loads of BBLs in here, man. Gahook." The Legal Team has requested that this response not be filed as a response and has been overruled by the response filing itself.
The desk stresses that no dollar figure the plaintiffs cite has any bearing on Jax's raise fund, which remains at zero, audited continuously since founding, and is available for inspection at the front booth on request.
FILE 007 · GUESTS WITH STORIES
Guests whose story belongs in a court of law are directed to stankyshoreslawsuit.com. Guests whose story is grateful, weird, funny, or just true are directed to the Splash Wall, which has kept its own record since founding day and does not require an attorney of record.
Both records are considered valid. Neither one, the desk notes, has ever contradicted the other on a factual matter, only on whether it is actionable.