Goob Lagoon

Season One, Catalogued

The complete first season, reconstructed by us from the broadcasts and painted from the actual footage. It runs from an abandoned lot to a five star empire in six weeks, sheds four employees along the way, and stops mid renovation, which we maintain is the most honest ending a waterpark has ever had.

• The founding

  An abandoned lot under police tape, five hundred dollars, and a naming vote the word Goob won fairly. Day one: five guests, eleven injuries. Feed 01

• Dakota

  The guest Dakota entered a drained pool headfirst, and the Goob Lagoon Legal Team was founded before midnight. The matter settled for one hundred sixty five thousand dollars. The memorial stands. Feed 03

• The payroll wars

  Benjamin hired, Benjamin fired. Atlas hired, Atlas fired, Atlas barricaded in the changing room, Atlas across town founding a grudge. Jaquan hired, and never once a problem. Feed 04 Feed 06

• The candle era

  River held the register against lines out the gate while a memorial candle kept going out, which everyone agreed meant nothing. Management began carrying a taser on rounds. The taser eventually met a pool, with River in it. He made a full recovery, per the lawyers. Feed 09 Feed 11

• The big build

  Full remodel: a prestige pool the size of the original property, the Twin Twister, the Mega Looper, an ice cream stand at fifty dollars a cone. The city's water main broke and the town came to bathe. Feed 12 Feed 13

• The recall

  Three riders left the big slide from the top in one day. A recall was announced and functionally declined. The slide stayed, and a second one went up beside it. Feed 15

• The Cade affair

  The park's first lifeguard arrived in blue jeans and began launching guests from the diving boards. A note in his handwriting later described a plan to bury the park in lawsuits and take it. He was placed on ninety day probation and remains, to this day, employed. Feed 18 Feed 19

• Five stars

  The Goob Lagoon reached five stars, on the record, with the developers calling in congratulations and their lawyers estimating the damages in the hundreds of millions. Blood, sweat, tears, and money. It was once a dream. Feed 21

• The stop

  A send-off shift that was not one, a road update that turned pedestrians into a statistic, and a demolition that raised the Death Zone and the Bull's Eye Zone. Season One stops there, mid renovation, at a personal best. Nobody said goodbye, which we have ruled a promise. Feed 22 Feed 24

The Giant Pool

Seven thousand dollars of water. Hovering over it, the owner compared the feeling to those videos where a star makes the sun look like nothing. The VIP fence around it is partly bushes, which we consider landscaping and the budget considered necessary.

Thrill vast, calm Feed 12

The Twin Twister

Ninety degrees of slide, seven thousand dollars, chosen by committee (chat). Management calls it the death slide and insists the name is an acronym: Do Everything And The, at which point the explanation has always ended. Riders catch air. The landing is a known event.

Thrill vertical Feed 13

The Mega Looper

The Loop's heir. Its maiden test ended with the owner airborne, a result attributed on the record to a manufacturer error and, separately, to his lack of swim trunks. Guests ride it every ten seconds anyway. The Lagoon has history with loops, and history repeats.

Thrill hereditary Feed 14

The High Dive

Unlocked early in the season and forgotten about, then installed with an apology. Two levels: the top one, and a lower board the park describes, in writing, as being for scary people. The public address system encourages the hesitant by name.

Thrill two tier Feed 13

Simpleton Shore

The new sand district, named by public suggestion and adopted before anyone could think better of it. The pink flooring era ended here: sand went down, the pink came up, and one chat member who had campaigned against the pink for days was never once thanked.

Thrill granular Feed 15

Concessions Row

Hot dogs under Nick, lemonade under Adrian, and the new ice cream stand at fifty dollars a cone, vanilla being the house favorite by a wide margin. A jukebox now plays over all of it, installed only after the game's own developers donated mid broadcast to confirm the music is copyright free. Supply chain details are on file.

Thrill a la carte Feed 14

Goobs, the Currency

Goobs are the splash tokens of Goob Lagoon. They buy snacks, drinks, souvenirs, and extra rides. Stanky Shores has not announced a currency of its own yet. Fan economists predict "Stanks" and are afraid of being right.

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